Idealist and Sensor Relationships (ENFP, INFP, INFJ, ENFJ)
Accepting someone and loving them for their differences and faults is important, but before you choose to do that think through if it’s the right match.
Idealist and Sensor Relationships – Can an ENFP, INFP, INFJ or ESFJ date a Sensor type?
We have an #askDan question about relationships, specifically if an idealist type (that’s an ENFP, INFP, INFJ, or ESFJ) can date a sensor type.
Specifically, in this case, we’re talking about an ESFJ and the question came in from an ENFP from Ecuador.
I’ve heard that INTJs or INFJs are the best matches for ENFPs. Sometimes another ENFP or INFP could also be a good match. However, I am actually dating an ESFJ. I’ve seen why we may have our differences (I have too many deep thoughts, and I connect ideas from everything I see and he enjoys life without too much thinking and our communication requires a little bit of more effort because it has to be clear).
Sometimes I feel this lack of deepness or ideas, but I tried to tell myself it’s not really important. I understand that love is about loving who they are learning to love the differences (acceptable differences). My problem is that I think too much and I’m always looking for something better (job, friends, education) and I don’t want to leave people just because there might be someone better somewhere. I’m happy with him because we share the same values and see the world the same way. And to find someone who shares this is harder than finding an INTJ.
I don’t know if that’s true, but okay, and she ended the question with, “My real problem is the fear of failure in my love life.”
So there’s a lot to unpack with this question, and what I would start with is this aspect of accepting someone for who they are.
This is such a tough topic because now there’s the internet and online dating and all this, so we all have so many choices and only a few people I know have managed to build a proper healthy relationship and fewer and fewer people know how to do that now.
So you’re completely right, accepting someone and loving them for their differences and faults is really important. But before I choose to do that, I would really think about if it’s the right match. There’s a lot of those stories of women saying, you know, he’s a good guy, he takes care of the family, or he’s honest, or that sort of thing and they lack that actual connection they want, and they think because of societal pressures or whatever else – this is what I’m supposed to do.
I don’t think that’s a good recipe for 20 years out from now when you look back and look at kind of the decision you made. So before you choose to love someone for their differences, and accept all their faults, I would really spend some time thinking about if that is the right person to invest that love for.
The point you mentioned about values and beliefs and ways of thinking in terms of deep thinking, that’s something for you to reflect on. Personally, I think it’s a big red flag. My hunch is once you have kids, once you settle down, you spend more and more time with your spouse and less time with your friends. So to me, it’s really important that that partner be someone that I could also really enjoy hanging out with and spending time with. Because early on, it’s very easy to balance that out and spend a lot of time with your friends who maybe you’re more compatible with in terms of discussions.
Long term, I don’t know if you have that level of freedom of time. So my personal take, and I don’t want to be responsible here for some heartbreak, is it’s probably a bad call, or at the very least, it’s something to really reflect on because in your own message just in how you wrote it, I do get the sense that you’re not even necessarily fully satisfied now, let alone in the future and you’re trying to force it because you think it’s the right thing to do.
You talk about values and you’re from Latin America, so I’m guessing religion and family values play into it. (I could be totally wrong, though) and that’s a value set that really does push us to settle down and make a family and that sort of thing, which there’s nothing wrong with, in fact, a lot of countries need more babies. But you don’t want to do that prematurely with the wrong person. Because once you have kids, then you end up on that 20-year commitment, and if you’re not compatible fully now, that isn’t going to change later. So I would really reflect on that.
For me as an ENFP, and you as well are an ENFP, that emotional compatibility is really important. I would rather sacrifice some of the practical compatibility.
I’m guessing practically you guys work quite well together. If he’s an ESFJ, he’s probably fairly organized and that sort of thing. and I’m guessing you function quite well, like day to day together, but maybe you’re lacking on that emotional connection. Again, for me, that’s very important.
I’ll leave it up to you to decide, you know what’s most important for you, maybe you can let me know, email me back after this video. But yeah, my hunch is you – You’re not happy.
Now, just the way your wording was set, and you have that pressure from family and you know, culturally, about, you know, he’s a good man, this is, uh, you know, we share the same values, that sort of thing.
The wording in your message, that pressure from family, culture, telling yourself that he is a good guy, etc. – as an ENFP, I don’t know if you’re going to be able to get through your whole life on that, and you’re going to likely evolve a lot over your lifetime, where that’s just the way of the ENFP.
We’re always exploring and challenging things and often changing kind of reinventing ourselves, and there’s a very good chance he won’t be that same way, and so there’s also a very good chance that however close you are now, you may grow apart further and further with time as well.
So it won’t even be the same. It could get worse. There’s also a chance I’m totally wrong and a moron and none of this could come true. But this is just my opinion.
That’s what you get from #askDan. Very little research. Very little fact-checking, just me talking out of my ass. If you’ve enjoyed me talking out of my ass, I would encourage you to subscribe to the channel, and also you can send in your own questions. Check out my Youtube channel DreamsAroundTheWorld, and check other articles as well. Ciao.